LIVING BY A PERSONAL CODE OF CONDUCT – Part Three
Posted: February 24, 2016 Filed under: action, attention, observation, perception, self discipline, self improvement, Uncategorized | Tags: action, attention, fear, observation, perception, self improvement 2 Comments
A code of conduct ensures your integrity, something of which Socrates had a firm grasp. “Socrates Drinking the Hemlock” Antonio Zucchi. Circa 1767
The older I get, the more I recognize the importance of living by a set of standards… a code of conduct. Living by a code of conduct or ethics is one of the most important things a person can do to ensure a happy and productive life. It weeds out the vagaries of how we should behave in given situations. It tells the rest of the world, as well as ourselves, ‘I am this kind of person and this is how I conduct myself’. It sets the stage as to what kind of character we will present to others and streamlines our behaviors in order to avoid unwarranted drama. If a question arises as to how we are to address a situation, then there should be little energy wasted…we already know what we expect of ourselves.
A code of conduct is going to be different for everyone but everyone should have code of conduct. This writing lays down a few parameters by which I try to live. I screw up and violate my own decree from time to time but at least I know what I am aiming for, I know what kind of person I intend to be. This is by no means a complete list and should not necessarily be your code of conduct (although some I consider universal) but hopefully it will give you an idea of the kind of problems we hope to avoid by holding ourselves to a certain standard. This writing ended up a bit lengthier than I initially intended so it will be divided into three parts. Read it and decide for yourself if maybe a set of given precepts might not benefit you and help establish a vision of the kind of person you strive to be. So without any further ado here is part three…
Practice Good Hygiene
This is another one of those I shouldn’t have to mention but it is something I see neglected frequently. Scrubbing that dirty ass, brushing those nasty chops and changing those fucking socks will go a long way toward improving the quality of your life in the areas of health, self esteem and social interactions. More times than not when I see people who neglect hygiene I immediately think “lazy”; why else would someone avoid being clean? I can’t think of any medical conditions to which a health care professional might suggest being filthy as a remedy. If you’re depressed or sick and don’t feel like bathing remember, disease, skin conditions and a general stench aren’t going to aid in your recovery. When life is handing us the shit end of the stick and we find ourselves in a rut, simple things like self care can go along way toward getting our legs back under us. Take care of yourself, show respect for yourself and bathe daily and see if you don’t feel more human as a result.
Avoid Most Popular Forms of Entertainment
Many years ago I met a very prolific artist, this woman churned out painting after painting and as a result was honing her craft to a fine edge. Curious, I asked how she managed to find the time to make so much art and work a day job. When I asked, she paused for a second and said “Do you really want to know how I do it? It’s easy, just get rid of your T.V..” That was it. But it made so much sense. Donald Trump, the Kardashians and Lindsay Lohan give zero fucks about us; so why do we spend our time absorbed with their lives? Television has some good programming in the way of documentaries and such, but 99.9% of the drivel we watch is nothing more than a distraction from real life (and yes that includes the news). It’s escapism the same way drama, drugs and social media are all escapism. The same can be said for time spent at the bar and hours spent on the computer. It’s all diverting our attention from our lives and life’s too short to spend on celebrity gossip and sports stats. Avoid the whole mess. Turn off the T.V., read a book or spend time doing something that will enrich your life.
Practice Self Reliance
Whenever possible do it yourself. If you don’t know how to do it, then learn. We rely far too much on others to do that which could be done for ourselves and as such we become as dependent on others as a puppet is dependent on the strings that manipulate it. Many people fail to recognize the freedom that is lost when we rely on others. Of course, we all need assistance from time to time but do we really need someone to mow our lawn, wash our car or clean our house when we are perfectly capable of doing it ourselves? Sounds like a petty thing to be concerned with but that’s just how it starts; before we know it we won’t even have the capacity to wipe our own asses. How many young people can really cook without a microwave? How many can thoroughly clean a house? How many can change the oil in their own vehicle? Parents tend to be doing more and more for their children much to those children’s detriment. Don’t allow yourself to be disempowered. Cook your own food, clean your own house and fix your own shit. That is one of the first steps in running your own life.
Confront Fears and Addictions Every Day
This one is tough. It requires honesty as well as a brutal self-inventory. We all have a pretty good idea where our soft-spots lie, the places where we are most vulnerable, and those are our fears and addictions. Every single day we must confront those weaknesses if we are to move forward. We must be mindful of our actions and examine our motives at all times. Don’t get caught slippin’ because if you give these demons any breathing room they will grow and consume you. We must hammer away at our shortcomings daily like we are dealing with a cockroach infestations, never giving them a chance to breed and multiply. When an urge arises, acknowledge it but never act on it. The act of following through on an urge only cements it in the pathways of our neurology and makes it harder and harder to control. Ever constant diligence is the key to an addiction free life.
Learn to Say NO
Maybe it’s just my combative nature but I have no problems saying NO… at least these days. I suppose there was a time when I, like so many others, would have been concerned about hurting someone’s feelings by telling them no. But why should we feel guilty about setting boundaries? Why should we feel guilty about telling someone Yes, ‘I will do this’ or ‘No, I won’t do that? Establishing boundaries is very important for a healthy relationship and for healthy self esteem. We don’t need to play the asshole to do this; we can politely decline and let it still be known where we stand. Demand respect from others as well as yourself and learn to say no.
Make Your Own Well Being Your Top Priority
If you’re not here, none of it really matters, so make yourself and well being your top priority. We must take care of ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally. Taking care of ourselves is the most important gift we can offer others. Too many people never take time for themselves and make their needs as important as those of others. And little by little they suffer. How many times have we seen people let children or work consume every minute of their day? And the result? Out of shape bodies and out of shape minds. It is akin to driving your car into the ground and never doing maintenance, shit is going to break. Take care of others by taking care of yourself.
Avoid Medications Whenever Possible
This one is kinda slippery but needs to be said. Carefully consider when you are presented with taking prescription drugs. If it is a matter of life and death then yes, of course take your medication. But how many times do we let doctors prescribe us shit we really don’t need whether it be antibiotics or antidepressants? When I was young I was often sick with different lung ailments, bronchitis, pneumonia and the likes. As a result I was on antibiotics much more than was healthy. This continued for years and my immune system suffered, I caught everything that came along. So a few years ago I stopped going to the doctor for such things and started getting more fresh air and improved my diet, as a result my lung health has greatly improved. I still occasionally get sick like everyone else, but I rarely even catch a cold anymore. Take into account the negative effects these medicines could have, there are no free lunches and that applies to prescription drugs as well. Just remember your doctor is more than likely a tool for the pharmaceutical companies so they throw a pill at just about any ailment you come to them with. Whenever possible let nature run its course, you will build a stronger immune system and avoid the toxicity of medication.
Observe Yourself
Most of us are pretty good at looking at everything around us and seeing how it affects our lives. But how many look at their own behaviors and attitudes? More than anything, our outlooks and self introspections shape our existence. It’s all about examining our beliefs and attitudes and being willing to challenges them in order to conform to reality. Things are rarely the way we perceive them and taking a look at our perceptions and adjusting accordingly will make the difference between being happy and accepting and being miserable and fighting against what is. It’s often an uncomfortable proposition, but self examination is key to forward progress. So whether you’re pissed with a situation or finding yourself disappointed in someone, don’t forget to acknowledge your part in it all.
Don’t Be Afraid to Walk Away From a Cluster Fuck
We all make shitty decisions from time to time. Recognizing this and having the ability to admit that we fucked up can save a lot of headache. Life is too short to waste on stupid ideas, so if you are in the midst of one of these foibles then have the good sense to wash you hands of it and walk away. Sometimes it’s a shitty project, sometimes it’s a shitty person, but a lack of judgement doesn’t make you a bad person it just makes you human. Put away your pride, learn from your mistakes and get on with it before anymore damage accrues.
Regardless of Your Position Remain Humble
We have all known that person who after acquiring a promotion or position of power turns into a complete asshole (I think they call them politicians). Don’t let that happen to you. Just because you have this title or that amount of income doesn’t mean you are suddenly a better person. Respect isn’t a function of title, it is a function of character and many in a position of authority tend to forget that. Looking down on those who are not in your position is one of the quickest ways to ensure a lose of that position. Be gracious and treat the little guy like you would like to be treated.
So there you have it, a few standards I have set for myself. You may consider them brilliant (after all, they are) or you may consider them complete and utter bullshit. The importance lies not in my personal code but rather in the message of constructing a code of your own. Eliminate some of the chaos and uncertainty in life and decide now what kind of person you want to be, then live by it. This one decision alone can put you heads above the masses.
“A man without ethics is a wild beast loosed upon this world.”
Albert Camus
THE VIRTUES OF BAD-ASSERY
Posted: December 16, 2015 Filed under: action, consciousness, fear, perserverance, self discipline, self improvement, Uncategorized | Tags: action, fear, perserverance, self discipline Leave a comment
This crusty looking gent is none other than Sir Ernest Shackleton returning from being stranded in Antarctica for a harrowing two years …Badass.
Have you ever heard of Hugh Glass? Glass was a trapper and frontiersman back in the early 19th century. In 1823, while on a trapping expedition in what is now northern South Dakota, Glass came upon a mother grizzly and her cubs. The grizzly mauled Glass horribly before he was able to kill the bear with his knife. The bear was dead but so too it seemed, was Glass. He had suffered a broken leg, severe lacerations on his face and back and with exposed, broken ribs it seemed certain Glass would die. 200 mile from the nearest post, Glass’s companions covered him with a bear skin and left him for dead. But that’s not the end of the story. Glass regained consciousness, set his own leg and following the river, crawled the 200 mile to Fort Kiowa, Missouri. To prevent gangrene, Glass laid his mangled leg across a rotting log and let maggots feed on the rotting flesh. The journey took him six weeks during which time he subsided mostly on berries and roots. At one point on his trek, Glass was able to, without weapons, drive two wolves from a downed bison calf so he could partake of the meat. He survived his ordeal and lived another ten years. Pretty impressive I would say.
How about Ernest Shackleton? The early 20th century polar explorer who, beginning in 1914, along with his crew of 22 men, spent two years stranded in Antarctica when his ship “The Endurance” became ice locked and eventually crushed. The men then spent the next two months traveling to Elephant Island, 346 miles from where their ship had sank. From there Shackleton and a crew of 5 men, in a makeshift sailing ship, fashioned from a 20 foot lifeboat, made a harrowing 720 mile journey through stormy seas to South Georgia Island. When they arrived at South Georgia, they had blown in on the south side of the island, the whaling station they had aimed for was on the north side of the island. With the small boat unfit to make the journey to the other side, Shackleton and two men traversed 32 miles, over an icy, mountainous terrain to find help. It took them a mere 36 hours, a feat which today’s mountaineers, aided by modern equipment fail to emulate. Shackleton would be on the ship that rescued his men from Elephant Island four and half months after he had left them. Throughout it all the expedition suffered no casualties. Another example of heroic perseverance.
The next guy I’m sure you have never heard of, but he is one of my personal heroes. His name was John Zorn and he was my grandfather. Zorn was at the D-Day invasion of Normandy in 1944. He survived the battle but was captured by German forces a week later. Zorn and the other prisoners were then forced to walk ,some without shoes, through freezing temperatures at gunpoint to the first of several destinations, the final being Stalag III-C near Kustrin, Germany. They had been beaten and starved (grandpa came back weighing less than 100 lbs) but after 9 months and several failed attempts, Zorn and another man finally escaped. The two then walked for three months, covering a distance of 900 miles, before being rescued by ally troops. Then, while being transported, the refugee train they were on collided with another train and in the carnage my grandfather’s shoulder smashed into the man he had escaped with, breaking his neck and killing him. Zorn survived the wreck and after a lengthy recovery in Hot Springs, Arkansas, he returned to civilian life and live to the age of 87, when complications from his ordeal (he had lung damage due to a blood clot that had broken loose from his leg which had been badly frozen during his captivity) finally caught up with him. A heavy-weight champion of badassery in my opinion.
We all know stories or even people that exemplify the term “Badass”. We have all read books and seen movies where these types endure seemingly inhuman suffering only to come out the other end all the better for it. What if you had access to someone like this in your everyday life? What if one of these monsters of resilience and inner strength lived with you on a daily basis? Oh, the knowledge and inspiration that could be had. Well, my friends, take a look in the mirror and as the late, great, godfather of soul James Brown once said “…you know what you see, You see a bad mutha”.
You are a badass of Zeus-like proportions and you may not even know it. We all are, you, me and the guy you work with that can barely tie his shoes, we are all bad muthas. We all have the ability to dig deep when the shit goes down and come out the victor…or at least come out. Think back on your own life. If you’re over 16 years old you have probably been in the shit at sometime during your life, we all have. Whether it’s been domestic abuse, being molested as a child, fighting mental illness or even tolerating the idiots and douchebags you work with so you don’t go on a shooting spree, we have all had to dig deep and gut it out. Most of us have had to show heroic perseverance at some point in our lives or we simply wouldn’t be here.
My grandfather made it clear to me that he wasn’t anything special (though I still think he was) but rather, just a regular Joe doing what he had to do to see another day. And I will bet dollars to doughnuts that would be the message any badass would convey if asked about their abilities. Nothing fancy here, just guts and determination…qualities we all possess if we choose to exercise them.
In the movie “Cool Hand Luke” (one of the best movies ever made in my opinion) Paul Newman plays just such a gent. In one scene, “Luke” (Newman) dukes it out with George Kennedy’s character, “Dragline”. Luke is outmatched and taking a trouncing at the hands of his adversary but each time he gets knocked down, he gets back up. He does this over and over again until Kennedy’s character simply walks away. So who won? That’s the idea, just keep getting the fuck up. You get dumped by your spouse or lover, get the fuck up. You get fired from your job, get the fuck up. You lose everything you have ever had in a freak tooth brushing accident, get the fuck up (and carry on the oral hygiene). You’re still breathing so get the fuck up. That’s all there is to it.
I have, in my own life, had experiences that have left many folks (myself included) wondering how I managed to carry on. I have cheated death on a few occasions. I’ve been punched, kicked, bitten, choked and gouged. I’ve endured beatings with ax handles, pool cues and beer bottles. I’ve survived serious disease, a heart attack, chronic pain, drug abuse, the joys of alcohol poisoning, motorcycle crashes, crippling depression, bankruptcies, divorce and the loss of those closest to me, yet here I stand. And you want to know how I did it? I am a bad mother fucker, not too bright, but a bad mother fucker all the same. Not to say I wasn’t bitching and moaning like a schoolgirl while it was happening; the times I’ve wanted to cash it in are too numerous to count but I’ve always gotten up. I didn’t have a choice. I just got up, dusted off and kept trying. Sure, we all have the occasional bout of the “fuckitz”, but what was the alternative?
The point is, we all have the ability to carry on when life pulls the rug out from under us, we just have to steel ourselves and realize this too shall pass. When I’m in the middle of a crisis, I try to remember, this shit will eventually end…and it always does. Then you wipe off the blood, change your underwear and get on with it. Many people don’t think they have this special ability but they have just forgotten what it is like to be tested. They have let themselves go soft and along with it, their sense of determination and badassery. You don’t have to have a history of kicking the teeth out of people’s heads or be able deadlift X amount of weight to be a badass. You just have to withstand that which has been put before you and never give up.
There is a reason the human race is at the top of the food chain, we aren’t the strongest or the fastest but we are some tenacious fuckers and throughout history we have always figured out a way to carry on. We need to rekindle the inner beast we all harbor, the one that says “Fuck you, I’m not done yet”. We all need to get the fuck up when life puts us in the dirt and just keep on truckin’. Just remember you’re not weak, you have the capacity to endure just about anything. You are a badass of the highest magnitude, you just have to keep getting the fuck up.
“Fall down nine times, get up ten”
Zen proverb
FINDING THE APE INSIDE ME
Posted: October 28, 2015 Filed under: action, anger, fear, perception, self discipline, self improvement | Tags: action, anger, fear, perception, self discipline, self improvement Leave a comment
“…and Moses said unto the shepherds, ‘Awww hell no’…”. Rosso Fiorentino “Moses Defending the Daughters of Jericho” c.1523
It was the end of third period and fourth period was about to start in less than two minutes. The halls had emptied for the most part as kids made their way to class. This is what I had been waiting for. My tormentor would be in class by now and although I would be late for class myself, the gain outweighed any reprimand I might receive. My friend David had stayed back with me after Mr. Nolan’s eighth grade science class had let out, so as to walk with me to my locker and get books for the next class.
As we walked down the empty halls toward my locker, we made small talk about what we might do when school had let out. We whispered as to avoid unwanted attention from any nosey teachers that might wish to pester a couple of tardy students. We climbed the stairs and turned the corner heading toward my locker. I raised my head to scan the hallway for any signs of trouble and what I saw made my stomach sink. It was the tyrant Rob and his dopey friend Steve waiting for me in front of my locker. With arms folded, Rob smuggly leaned against the door of my locker. Steve stood behind him, half a head taller, wearing a goofy grin. My plan had backfired. Now I would suffer more anguish and perhaps a beating… and nobody was even around to intervene. Fuck!!
Rob had begun his domineering tactics on me a few weeks before when he had heard of a fight I had with John Cushman. The fight had lasted about fifteen minute and was largely uneventful. Sure, there had been some blows exchanged (I had the swollen ear to prove it) but not fifteen minutes worth. When Mr Vaughn, our wrestling coach, had come running over the hill to put an end to our nonsense and wrangle us back to the practice we had skipped, I was the decided victor, but only narrowly.
The day after my fight, Rob had gotten wind of the trouble I had in dispensing with my opponent and having beaten John Cushman rather handily a few months prior, decided I would be his next project; and so the intimidation began. Shoulder checks in the hall with a emphatic “Pussy” to add insult became a regular occurrence. And the fear I had been so familiar with in the past, made itself comfortable inside my mind once again. It haunted me day and night. Rob would even call my house in the evening to serve more angst.
I was very small at the time, perhaps 5’7″ or 8″ and weighing only 115 pounds, to say I was skinny was an understatement. Rob on the other hand was at least two to three inches taller and outweighed me by at least 30-35 lbs. At the age of fourteen he seemed a monster. What was I going to do? I couldn’t fight him, I would be ravaged. I had been in a few scrapes but didn’t like fighting. I had only fought John Cushman to save face, after being goaded by my friends. Most of my experience with fighting had been the result of being gang beaten by the native kids I had grown up with, and these quarrels had never fared well for me. I guess I had a few skills as I had wrestled and boxed a bit and with the small amount of jiu jitsu I had learned when I was younger, I could handle myself against kids my size if I had to…but I hated it.
When I was in sixth grade I had read a book called “The Ape Inside Me” by Kin Platt. It was the story of a kid who had anger issues and was in constant trouble for fighting. Reading the book, I wished I had the courage to just slam someone in the mouth, like the main character did, when they pissed me off but that wasn’t me. I was small, weak and afraid. I had anger for sure, but did little with it but stuff it and try to be a “good boy”. Now I was again being put in a situation where being the victim was likely to be the outcome and it made me ill.
As David and I walked down the hall, toward certain doom, my mind raced. I knew with nobody around this was going to be ugly. With no options something came over me, it was as if a switch had been flipped. FUCK IT! We were going to fight. It was a decision that would shape my life for the next twenty five plus years. A calmness overtook me as we approached my nemesis.
We were about five feet away when I turned to David and handed him my books. Saying nothing, I again turned to face Rob. He was smiling and was quite sure of himself. Without warning I smashed my right fist into his face. He reeled back only to be met by another and another. I can still see the panic in his eyes as I continued my attack. Unable to launch his own offense against the barrage of punches he ran forward, tackling me into the locker on the other side of the hall. Having me pinned, I had nowhere to go. His head was still under my left arm so with my right hand I grab the hair on the back of his head and pulled him up. SLAM, SLAM, SLAM! His face banged off the locker doors as I turned to meet him again face to face. We stood in the middle of the hall and wildly exchanged punches. A crowd of student had begun to gather in the hall to watch the battle but my focus was on destroying this fuck. Punch after flailing punch found their mark as I beat my opponent without mercy. At one point, one of my punches missed its intended target and struck a girl named Lisa Berrincot square in the forehead. I wouldn’t even know this had happened until I returned to school the following week after being suspended.
The scuffle lasted a few more seconds before it was broken up. Three grown men had their hands full in trying to pry my 115 lb frame from my victim as my attack continued. At last they were able to subdue me. A combination of pride, rage and relief pulsed through my body. I had finally stood up to a bully and come out the victor. I had faced fear and whipped its ass. I was elated to put it mildly. I had found my own “Ape Inside Me”.
Both Rob and I would be suspended for the fight but that didn’t matter in the least. I would have gladly faced a firing squad for my actions. The change that took place in me was worth any punishment the administration could have dished out.
While sitting at home during my hiatus, I received a phone call from Rob only this time it wasn’t to bully or persecute me, it was to apologize. I graciously accepted his apology and we ended up being friends after that. I had earned his respect…and then some.
The fight had been a life changing event and to this day stands out as so. From that day forth nobody would bully me again. But while this act of aggression had bolstered my self-esteem to new levels, it had also changed the way I handled conflict. For the next two and a half decades I would batter and beat anyone who dare look cross-eyed at me. I didn’t start fights, but I was sure as hell looking for them and when your looking, they are easy to find. I fancied myself a hero of sort, kicking the shit out of bullies became a place to hang my pride. I was teaching lessons, I reasoned, and there were plenty of students. But in my haste to save the world from bullies, I had become one myself. I intimated those around me for years, not always intentionally but I did it none the less. It became my persona. I would wear a face in public (that my wife says stills reveals itself when we are in crowds) that roared DO NOT FUCK WITH ME!!
After dishing out “justice” for awhile I began to believe my own bullshit. This is not who I am. I don’t want to hurt people or scare them. It has taken an immense amount of work to undo the damage of taking on this personality and I still have much work to do, but I now realize the world isn’t the haunted house I made it out to be, the ghosts are only in my mind. So I now fight a fight of a different sort, that of rehabbing my psyche and responses to the outside world, and taking aim at the “ape” that dwells within.
“Courage is fire, and bullying is smoke.”
Benjamin Disraeli
THE SIMPLE ACT OF FORGIVENESS
Posted: September 30, 2015 Filed under: fear, forgiveness, observation, perception, self improvement | Tags: fear, forgiveness, observation, perception, self improvement Leave a comment
Betrayal sucks! “The Taking of Christ” by Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio. 1602
It was a cool, crisp September morning at about 7:15 when I left the house and made my way to the next door neighbors so I could walk to school with Tim and Tom. I had met the two brothers the previous year when we had moved into the house next to their split foyer. Tom was just a bit younger than me, a quiet kid that followed his brother around like a lost puppy. Tom was very affable and he and I seemed to hit it off from the beginning. Tim on the other hand was a different story. About a year and a half older than myself, Tim always seemed to have a chip on his shoulder. When we had first moved in, it was a nearly daily ritual to have a run in with Tim. I was quiet and soft like his brother and must have screamed “victim” with my obvious low self esteem. Tim pick up on this right away and made it his duty to victimize me any time the opportunity arose.
Tim had once met me in the middle of the street as I made my way back from another neighbor’s house after being sent to borrow two eggs. As I approached our house Tim stepped in my way and gave me a slug to the guts which sent me to the asphalt on my knees (I never dropped the eggs). It was this incident that spurred my absentee father to enroll me in jiu jitsu classes at the local YMCA. But for now, our differences were all in the past as we had squashed the beef between us and had become friends.
Every morning since the new school year had begun, I would meet them at their house so we could all three walk to school together. I enjoyed having friends that lived so close and we spent quite a bit of time together doing whatever 10 year old boys do. I had even begun to trust these two which was a big step for me.
We had just moved from north Rapid City, where as a white kid, I was in a small minority within a sea of Native Americans. This of course led to me being picked on and chased home from school regularly. When we had moved to a low income housing development on the west side, I thought this would be the new start I had dreamed of. Much to my dismay, it was more of the same as most of the kids in the new neighborhood were again natives, and the bullying continued. So to finally have two friends that were white (like that mattered), even if it had rocky beginnings, was an answer to my boyish desires.
As I entered the house that morning I noticed Tom was more quiet than usual. Tim ready himself but also seemed a bit off, edgy and perturbed were the vibes being sent out, but I thought little of it as I looked forward to walking to school with my friends. As the two brother continued to get ready I stood at the back of the couch and peered at the television which was playing a rerun of “Johnny Quest”. It was the episode with the gargoyle and I found myself mesmerized by the cartoon unaware of anything else. The sound was turned down on the set so I had no idea what was being said but I watched in earnest none the less. The only sound in the room came from an old stereo in the living room which was playing Stevie Wonder’s “Sir Duke”.
As I stared at the T.V. Tom made his way past me into the kitchen and I could see Tim next to me in my peripheral, reaching for his bag. CRUNCH!! I felt the impact on my neck and jaw just below my right ear which sent me straight to my hands and knees on the linoleum floor. Just as I began to regain awareness of my surroundings, a shoe slammed into my face with a dull thud. My head reverberated loudly as blood began to stream from my mouth and nose. What in the hell was happening? Where were my friends? As quickly as the thoughts entered my mind another kick. This time to the side, which forced every molecule of oxygen I had from my lungs. I collapsed in a heap as kick after kick found my head and body. I could hear my friends yelling but couldn’t understand what was being said, the only sound beside the ringing in my ears and impacts to my head was the voice of Stevie Wonder warbling his song.
Somehow I managed to find the kitchen door some 12 feet away, As I crawled through the door, I received another kick which launched me off the cement stoop onto the ground two feet below. I quickly began to stand up in an attempt run but as I did my book bag (full of books no less) slammed into the back of my head sending me to my knees once again. I could hear the brothers still shouting but I still couldn’t decipher what was being said. And as quickly as it began, the beating stopped. I heard the door from which I had just crawled slam shut…it was over. After several seconds of laying in the yard, gathering myself, I arose from my nightmare. Blood and grass clung to my face and hair, deep red splatters stained the shirt I had put on that morning, as shots of pain screeched through my head and body.
Still in a daze I picked up the books and papers that were scattered across the lawn and put them back into my bag. I then walked back to my house with the intent of cleansing myself of any evidence that might tell of my ordeal. I entered the living room and sat on the couch, careful to not let any of blood drip on it or the floor. I sat there alone in absolute quiet. My mother and brother had already left for the day. As the adrenaline subsided, I began to relax, I wiped my bleeding face and cried. How could they do this to me? Why would they do this to me? What had I done to deserve such treatment? I just couldn’t make sense of it. For awhile I sat perched on the edge of the sofa covering my nose with my shirt and sobbed.
7:40, shit! I was going to be late for school if I didn’t get it together. I was worried that the brothers may be lying in wait for another attack but after cleaning up and stopping the bleeding, I summoned all my courage, left the house and made my way to school. I walked in complete silence, going over the events of that morning again and again in my head.
I didn’t tell anyone of the beating, not even my mom. I don’t remember what excuse I gave for the marks on my face or the bloody shirt in the laundry but little was made of the incident. I don’t remember seeing either Tim or Tom the rest of that day. From that day on I steered clear of the brothers, always looking over my shoulder, waiting for the next attack.
Within a month or so of beating me, Tim was arrested along with a native kid named Cyrus for beating another kid with a baseball bat. It had taken authorities four or five hours to catch the two as they ran deep into the wilderness across the road from our development. The rest of the family moved maybe a couple weeks thereafter and I never saw them again.
This wasn’t the first time I had been ganged (having taken a humiliating beating at the hands of the six Jonas sisters a couple years earlier while my father sat on the porch and watched, laughing and telling me to get up) and in that neighborhood it certainly wasn’t going to be the last. But it was an act of betrayal that would help build the foundation of mistrust I would carry for almost 40 years. With each punch and each kick I received from those boys and from subsequent beatings, I began to hardened to the punishment. It was never my intent to become the violent person I ended up being, it was a response for survival in an often savage childhood. I could be the hammer or I could be the nail… after awhile I chose to be the hammer.
Sometimes I think of that battering I took and through the eyes of a person that is in the know, I can relate to Tim and Tom. They, like myself were product of their environment. They were just doing what they thought they had to do. Perhaps (if they are still alive) they think back on that morning with regret and wish they had done things differently…or maybe they don’t. That’s not my concern. My concern is putting the injuries of my past behind me and being the person I was intended to be before I became jaded and violent.
Holding grudges is misspent energy that could be used to move us forward instead of keeping us trapped in the past. The past is just that… the past. We do not have to be a victim to the wrongs we suffered weeks, months or years ago. We can forgive and forget. These events are what they are, just things that happened to us. We need not to identify with any of it as this will lead us away from our true path and true personality. Let it go. As for Tim and Tom…I forgive you.
“Courageous people do not fear forgiving, for the sake of peace.”
~Nelson Mandela
GO AHEAD SUFFER- ITS GOOD FOR YOU
Posted: September 23, 2015 Filed under: action, consciousness, fear, observation, perception, self discipline, self improvement | Tags: action, consciousness, fear, observation, perception, self discipline, self improvement Leave a comment
Ugolino knew a thing or two about suffering as we see in Jean–Baptiste Carpeaux’s marble, “Ugolino and His Sons”. circa 1867
Want to know where to obtain the very finest wisdom in the world? It’s not at the library. It’s not to be found at a four year institution. And it certainly isn’t going to be obtained on Youtube. It’s been right under your nose your whole life and you have been trying to shove it aside like so much garbage, not recognizing it for the source of knowledge that it is. It’s your suffering. Our suffering not only holds the key to a better life, but our suffering can actually free us from the chains that keep us from our highest potential.
So many of us look upon suffering and pain as something to be evaded, to be dreaded like a visit to a medieval dentist. In reality by avoiding the discomfort of suffering, we are missing the most important lessons life has to offer. Suffering isn’t something we should be running from but rather something we should be running toward. The world renowned martial artist and guru Geoff Thompson calls it “leaning into the sharp edges” and it is something to be sought if we are to make progress in our lives.
I have squandered a good amount of time myself trying to avoid suffering or at least trying to squirm lose of its grip, for none of us can avoid suffering all together. And one of the things I’ve learned over the course of my 48 years is that the stuff we try to sweep under the rug and divert our attention from are the very issues we need to bed down with and welcome into our lives with open arms. Growth only takes place after suffering. Whether we want to get in shape, address personal problems in our lives or even get that tattoo of our new girlfriend’s name on our shoulder (the suffering has only begun), there is no sidestepping suffering, for suffering is the ultimate catalyst for great change and development.
I have had, in the past, issues with drugs and alcohol. I went through treatment seven times, five times court ordered and twice on my own and not one of these did I benefit from. Why you might ask. Because I hadn’t yet paid a high enough price for my indiscretions. I hadn’t done enough suffering. When I finally did get my fill of the hardship this lifestyle was offering me, it didn’t take 28 days in rehab to convince me this was a path that led nowhere. When I was done, I was done. The price had become too great.
Suffering is about paying a premium for wisdom and everybody has their own price they must haggle out. Some get life’s lessons with very little dickering. Some of the more thick-headed, like myself, need a lesson thoroughly beat into them before the situation become crystal clear. “You gotta be tough if you’re gonna be stupid” is what I tell my kids.
We’ve all heard the phrase “there is no teacher like experience”. This is true. Experience is such a great educator because while gaining it we go through hell with blunders and missteps, aka suffering. The reason kids don’t listen to their parents advice many times isn’t necessarily because the kid is a knucklehead and incapable of learning, but rather he/she hasn’t paid the dues necessary to garner such acumen. Think back, how many of us took our parents advice seriously? Probably not many. We may have listened carefully and consider their point but without a little blood on our shirt to cement the message it was impossible to grasp the significance of their instruction. Advice is great, but can’t sit in the same room with experience when it come to teaching a lesson. We have to learn shit the hard way.
We all see people go in and out of the court system like a revolving door and think “why don’t they get their shit together?”. They don’t get their shit together because they haven’t paid a high enough price. If a thief was to be caned and have a finger cut off (rather than the common slap on the wrist handed out by many judges) anytime he was caught doing his thing, how long would it take for him to come around and see the folly in his ways? About a finger, maybe two I’m guessing. I’m not advocating such punishments, I’m just trying to make a point. The ramifications need to be severe enough to get one’s attention if genuine lessons are to be learned. Unfortunately, our justice system isn’t interested in a citizen changing their ways. Recidivism is the goose that lays the golden egg, but I digress.
I’m not just a casual observer looking at this from the outside, I’ve been through the judicial system many times. The prime reason I continued my debauchery was largely do to a lack of serious consequences for my actions (read suffering). I would go to court for a fairly serious offense such as assault and battery and would be sentenced to some community service, fines and probation. Not enough to make me think twice about putting fists on the next guy who crossed me. So the cycle continued until the courts up the ante and finally started making me do a little time when I offended. Only then did I consider revamping my social skills.
Suffering is never going to be a pleasant affair but if we keep in mind that with great suffering comes great lessons then our misery won’t be for naught, it won’t be all in vain. Our suffering is just the lessons we have yet to learn. Even the pain of losing a loved one can hold great teachings if we can look at it through the eyes of a student and obtain some benefit from tragedy.
Facing suffering and reaping the lessons and subsequent growth is a mark of true character. No longer can we hide like school children from the Boogeyman if we are to make strides toward self improvement. Examine closely the pain you have pushed aside or have failed to deal with and try to extract the gold within. Remember, the word test actually means to refine, to extract the impurities. And test ourselves we must. We need to grow the courage to stand before the tests in our lives and amass the rewards. Accept your suffering for what it is, an opportunity for development. It will be worth the pain.
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”
Khalil Gibran
Prokope' 
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