FINDING THE APE INSIDE ME

“…and Moses said unto the shepherds, ‘Awww hell no’…”. Rosso Fiorentino “Moses Defending the Daughters of Jericho” c.1523

It was the end of third period and fourth period was about to start in less than two minutes. The halls had emptied for the most part as kids made their way to class. This is what I had been waiting for. My tormentor would be in class by now and although I would be late for class myself, the gain outweighed any reprimand I might receive. My friend David had stayed back with me after Mr. Nolan’s eighth grade science class had let out, so as to walk with me to my locker and get books for the next class.

As we walked down the empty halls toward my locker, we made small talk about what we might do when school had let out. We whispered as to avoid unwanted attention from any nosey teachers that might wish to pester a couple of tardy students. We climbed the stairs and turned the corner heading toward my locker.  I raised my head to scan the hallway for any signs of trouble and what I saw made my stomach sink. It was the tyrant Rob and his dopey friend Steve waiting for me in front of my locker. With arms folded, Rob smuggly leaned against the door of my locker. Steve stood behind him, half a head taller, wearing a goofy grin. My plan had backfired. Now I would suffer more anguish and perhaps a beating… and nobody was even around to intervene. Fuck!!

Rob had begun his domineering tactics on me a few weeks before when he had heard of a fight I had with John Cushman. The fight had lasted about fifteen minute and was largely uneventful. Sure, there had been some blows exchanged (I had the swollen ear to prove it) but not fifteen minutes worth. When Mr Vaughn, our wrestling coach, had come running over the hill to put an end to our nonsense and wrangle us back to the practice we had skipped, I was the decided victor, but only narrowly.

The day after my fight, Rob had gotten wind of the trouble I had in dispensing with my opponent and having beaten John Cushman rather handily a few months prior, decided I would be his next project; and so the intimidation began. Shoulder checks in the hall with a emphatic “Pussy” to add insult became a regular occurrence. And the fear I had been so familiar with in the past, made itself comfortable inside my mind once again. It haunted me day and night. Rob would even call my house in the evening to serve more angst.

I was very small at the time, perhaps 5’7″ or 8″ and weighing only 115 pounds, to say I was skinny was an understatement. Rob on the other hand was at least two to three inches taller and outweighed me by at least 30-35 lbs. At the age of fourteen he seemed a monster. What was I going to do? I couldn’t fight him, I would be ravaged. I had been in a few scrapes but didn’t like fighting. I had only fought John Cushman to save face, after being goaded by my friends. Most of my experience with fighting had been the result of being gang beaten by the native kids I had grown up with, and these quarrels had never fared well for me. I guess I had a few skills as I had wrestled and boxed a bit and with the small amount of jiu jitsu I had learned when I was younger, I could handle myself against kids my size if I had to…but I hated it.

When I was in sixth grade I had read a book called “The Ape Inside Me” by Kin Platt. It was the story of a kid who had anger issues and was in constant trouble for fighting.  Reading the book, I wished I had the courage to just slam someone in the mouth, like the main character did, when they pissed me off but that wasn’t me. I was small, weak and afraid. I had anger for sure, but did little with it but stuff it and try to be a “good boy”. Now I was again being put in a situation where being the victim was likely to be the outcome and it made me ill.

As David and I walked down the hall, toward certain doom, my mind raced. I knew with nobody around this was going to be ugly. With no options something came over me, it was as if a switch had been flipped. FUCK IT! We were going to fight. It was a decision that would shape my life for the next twenty five plus years. A calmness overtook me as we approached my nemesis.

We were about five feet away when I turned to David and handed him my books. Saying nothing, I again turned to face Rob. He was smiling and was quite sure of himself. Without warning I smashed my right fist into his face. He reeled back only to be met by another and another. I can still see the panic in his eyes as I continued my attack. Unable to launch his own offense against the barrage of punches he ran forward, tackling me into the locker on the other side of the hall. Having me pinned, I had nowhere to go. His head was still under my left arm so with my right hand I grab the hair on the back of his head and pulled him up. SLAM, SLAM, SLAM! His face banged off the locker doors as I turned to meet him again face to face. We stood in the middle of the hall and wildly exchanged punches. A crowd of student had begun to gather in the hall to watch the battle but my focus was on destroying this fuck. Punch after flailing punch found their mark as I beat my opponent without mercy. At one point, one of my punches missed its intended target and struck a girl named Lisa Berrincot square in the forehead. I wouldn’t even know this had happened until I returned to school the following week after being suspended.

The scuffle lasted a few more seconds before it was broken up. Three grown men had their hands full in trying to pry my 115 lb frame from my victim as my attack continued. At last they were able to subdue me. A combination of pride, rage and relief pulsed through my body. I had finally stood up to a bully and come out the victor. I had faced fear and whipped its ass. I was elated to put it mildly. I had found my own “Ape Inside Me”.

Both Rob and I would be suspended for the fight but that didn’t matter in the least. I would have gladly faced a firing squad for my actions. The change that took place in me was worth any punishment the administration could have dished out.

While sitting at home during my hiatus, I received a phone call from Rob only this time it wasn’t to bully or persecute me, it was to apologize. I graciously accepted his apology and we ended up being friends after that. I had earned his respect…and then some.

The fight had been a life changing event and to this day stands out as so. From that day forth nobody would bully me again. But while this act of aggression had bolstered my self-esteem to new levels, it had also changed the way I handled conflict. For the next two and a half decades I would batter and beat anyone who dare look cross-eyed at me. I didn’t start fights, but I was sure as hell looking for them and when your looking, they are easy to find. I fancied myself a hero of sort, kicking the shit out of bullies became a place to hang my pride. I was teaching lessons, I reasoned, and there were plenty of students. But in my haste to save the world from bullies, I had become one myself. I intimated those around me for years, not always intentionally but I did it none the less. It became my persona. I would wear a face in public (that my wife says stills reveals itself when we are in crowds) that roared DO NOT FUCK WITH ME!!

After dishing out “justice” for awhile I began to believe my own bullshit. This is not who I am. I don’t want to hurt people or scare them. It has taken an immense amount of work to undo the damage of taking on this personality and I still have much work to do, but I now realize the world isn’t the haunted house I made it out to be, the ghosts are only in my mind. So I now fight a fight of a different sort, that of rehabbing my psyche and responses to the outside world, and taking aim at the “ape” that dwells within.

“Courage is fire, and bullying is smoke.”

Benjamin Disraeli

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